“You have to consider the possibility that God does not like you. He never wanted you. In all probability, he hates you.
We don’t need him. Fuck damnation, man! Fuck redemption! We are God’s unwanted children? So be it!
Its only after we’ve lost everything that we are free to do anything.”

Clarity Though Chaos

Sitting here. Laptop in front. I’m about to write about myself as a character that needs attention.  A character that people can relate to. Someone who needs sympathy. A detailed account on the person I am, refined by well put words.

Cool intro.

Since your all into this, let me tell you it’s gonna bore the shit out of you. Why? Because I’m boring.  I’ve had none of those terrible incidents. You know in films they say everybody has a dark past they don’t want to remember?  Everyone has had bad memories they don’t want to recall and the Morgan Freeman dialogues y’all think you relate to?  I don’t.  My life never had those traumatic experiences or anything that had influenced me or have left an impression. It’s like watching a David Lynch film. It’s hyped and nobody gets it. That’s my life… A David Lynch film. FML.

I’ve never actually felt lonely.

I’ve never actually had a girlfriend;  I’ve never kissed; I live alone in a city with no relatives and I’m not good with the language; I haven’t found any friends here who I enjoy spending time with; I have good, true friends but they are all in different parts of the country. I’m introverted and shy.

Now that I write it out, I feel like a loner but I’m not. I’ve never actually felt lonely. I got so good at living my own life and teaching me and assisting me and being there for me so much that I’ve never felt the need to have someone in my life. Not like the universe gifted me with one anyways. You see I’m  a weirdo and weirdos are a rare species. If it was a blood group and I had met with an accident. I’d probably die of blood loss. Because all the weirdo blood groups are busy trying not to be weirdos that they probably forgot that they were… actually weirdos…

You get the point.

Now to why I’m writing this? I don’t know. I’m good at planning. I know my flaws. I know what to work on. I know how awesome the ideal me would be and it’s not a dream far far away. You see im a practical person and if I actually follow these well made plans then the ideal me is not far.

“why change? Accept yourself… Be confident with yourself; Be you and enjoy life… Carpe diem.”

My ass.

You see the ideal me is not six packs and sexy hairstyles and learning guitar and cool dance moves. So don’t give me that crap. You’ve got one life. You’ve got one body. So why be normal? Why stick to being tuned in by nature? I say control your destiny… control what you want to become and change shit.

Big words.

I’ve been telling this to myself from the 7th grade. And that’s probably when I started realizing I was a pathetic shit and I need to change. Nine years of planning and I’m still the same guy. Except this time David Lynch started using visual effects and better cameras.

Now I’ve been waiting for a miracle. Now definitely we differ on the idea of a miracle. You see to me miracle is…

Chaos.

Confused? Its easy. Take the world for example. It wasn’t pixie dust that stopped the war; it was a bomb. It was chaos.  It wasn’t Gandhi who got us independence. It was chaos. It’s not like dinosaurs went all “fuck this. I’m done. #timeforhuman ”  It was chaos.

Chaos is the central element for change. It could be good or bad; it gives opportunity to those little struggling ideas that normally would never succeed, to become the primary idea.

Giving an example:  nobody liked the Communist ideology.  Quoting Scarface  ”You wanna work eight, ten fucking hours? You own nothing, you got nothing! Do you want a chivato on every corner looking after you? Watching everything you do? Everything you say, man? “

But the chaos that formed in Batista’s government paved the way for Fidel Castro’s up-rise. That’s what makes my miracle cooler than yours:  The outcome is unpredictable. Everything is let out to chance. All you have to do is grab it good and grab it quick. This miracle doesn’t give me happy endings nor do i want it. I want change. And I’ll decide what to make of it.

But that miracle has never come.

Now, I’ve never been depressed in my life. Never had to. There is no depression in monotony. I’ve had insomnia though. I’ve had that condition which Edward Norton goes through in Fight club. (Sums up my love for the film.) I wish Tyler Durden happens…

Anyways.

The only sadness I feel is when I get disappointed in myself. You see the only reason why a guy like me has pulled through till today was that I’ve never lost faith in myself. I knew that someday I’d go out there and start following these plans. Someday I would find progress. Not success. Progress. I’ve come to that point in life where even a little progress would make me happy. But nine years and I’ve not even seen little progress. You see this fucks me up. Fucks me up everytime. And it’s the only thing in the world that can make me sad. So next time you see me moody it’s this. And nothing else.

But

I’ve had faith in myself all through these 9 years. People… Days… Opportunities… it has passed me like a time-lapse video with me standing still with the insomniac expression of Edward Norton. I’m too lazy to grab onto anything. I keep telling myself: next person; next time; another day; and whaddaya know? nine years of procrastination. Can you believe it? NINE FUCKING YEARS OF PROCRASTINATION.  

Yesterday though.

Was the worst. Multiple thoughts coming into my head at the same time. I couldn’t sleep. Insomnia again. It was probably the worst I’ve had. Questions after questions. Doubts after doubts on myself. A big mess and I was sure it was not the miracle.It was the noise made by meandering thoughts.

It was right in front of me.

Without that chaos I’m not gonna change. I’ve realized that throughout all this I’ve never had a purpose and I never did any of these plans. I don’t know why. Maybe because nothing in my life has been so influencing that I do this. Become the ideal self? What for?  Meditate? Evolve spiritually? Get healthy? Get more confident? Why? I’ve been living so far so good. No top twenty most embarrassing situations. No one ever bullied me. No money crisis. No friend crisis. I’ve never loved anyone deeply that I do something to make them proud.  To be honest, the last time I felt a true emotion was school. After school I’ve never truly laughed; Truly cried; Truly been angry or truly loved. I’m never gonna change. This pathetic guy… is gonna be me. Forever.

Suicide?

What the fuck ? I used to think. Why when the world is full of opportunities? You could have a stupid dream and live on it and get bliss and die old.

Everytime I see suicide news, I used to think… Oh good! One less asshole who doesn’t know the value of life. But now I kinda realized. What it is, to have no future. To know everything and do nothing. Its bad you know? When you lose faith in yourself ? Its like you are no more your friend. The one person who is much more important than anybody on Earth just broke up with you.

Now, I can picture an old angry Jack Nicholson sorta grandpa telling me “this kid needs some serious ass whuppin”

Yea maybe. Its serious lack of motivation. Serious lack of discipline and will power. Serious problems of procrastination.  And I don’t know what to do about them. It seems like I’m stuck in this web and this particular spider doesn’t eat humans. So he just goes around minding his work.

Calm down I’m not committing suicide.

I’d like to believe that I was a Samurai in my previous life. Samurai don’t give up that easily.

Or

I could have been a coward who could never face death.

All I’m searching for is clarity. Some purpose. Some meaning. Something intense. Now I cannot inflict these on myself. So I’m waiting for a miracle.

Clarity through chaos.